Spaced out? Deranged? Hello new baby!

Do you feel like a burned out zombie? Are you mumbling to yourself as you stand spaced out in the supermarket talking to tins of processed food? Is it LSD burn out, jet lag, fallout from a world tour with the Stones? No, welcome to parenthood!

Nothing prepares you for the barrage on the senses that it having a new baby. Now there is a new little man sharing a bed with your beloved, he is demanding, unrepentant, hungry, too hot, too cold, windy (wind is public enemy #1), and very very lovely.

Everything is different. And in a good way but a lot of the sentimental speculation that you did before the arrival of the new Obergruppenfuhrer about how it would be, just don’t stack up. Cute walks in the park, endless re-runs of Kung Fu panda are nowhere to be seen. He didn’t even appreciate the football that we got him (I will keep that for when he is a couple of months).

You do get puked on, pissed on, crapped on and kept awake at times when you would give several internal organs and all your worldly goods for an hours sleep.

But thats the deal. I am now addicted to caffeine, and thank God for West wing boxed sets (I didn’t realise it would be so contrived but witty) and I am counting the days when the cholic will pass and we can try to match the homely mirage of a peaceful family life.

So before I give you the impression that I would sell, or swap my son for an iPod on eBay – I wouldn’t. Before you call social services bear in mind that I love my new son very much, I wash his shitty clothes and lovingly remove the oceans of milk that collect and harden under his little neck while he holds onto my pinky like it was a lifeline through this terrible adventure that is birth.